Twas the Night Before Christmas With Edits

By Gerard Braud

The poem, Twas the Night Before Christmas, is only 56 lines long. As writing goes, it’s pretty perfect. But we all know there are people where you work, who feel compelled to make edits, no matter how perfect your writing is. Maybe it’s the CEO or CFO, or an engineer, IT guy, accountant, doctor, or even the lawyer. Sure, they just want it to be more accurate and legally correct. But are all of those edits really necessary?

So for those of you who feel compelled to make edits, and to those of you who have been victimized by a red pen, I offer to you this special version of the poem, with edits. ©2018

Twas the Night Before Christmas With Edits

 

 Twas the nocturnal period preceding the annual Christian festival, when throughout the domicile

 

No one of consequence was moving, including the rodents

 

Long socks receptacles were suspended near the thermal unit, with safety as a top priority

in expectation that a legendary Christian Bishop, born in the region of modern day Turkey, in or about 280 A.D., who was later Canonized by the Pope, would arrive post-haste

 

The humans below the legal age of majority, were reclined comfortably within their sleeping apparatuses

 

While apparitions of dehydrated fruit, filled their subconscious

 

And the maternal figure donning a headscarf, and I, in a consensual relationship, did likewise

 

Had just reached a state of extended hibernation

 

When in an external grassy zone, a ruckus occurred

 

I spontaneously ejected myself from my sleeping device, to evaluate the situation

 

Away to an opening in the wall I expedited myself

 

With vigor, I forcefully opened a set of protective panels

 

The satellite of the earth unified with the flakes of ice crystals

 

Gave the reflective quality of noon, to objects below

 

When, while visibly curious there appeared

 

A smaller than common vehicle of transport and eight proportional deer, common to subarctic regions

 

With a demure heavy equipment operator, so agile and prompt

 

I surmise instantly that it must be the aforementioned Saint

 

More rapid than birds of prey, the mammals came

 

And he exuded a high-pitched sound, then proclaimed their given names

 

You may Google the historic names if necessary, since corporate policy prohibits us from releasing names without consent… and because some of the names imply behavior that may be deemed as inappropriate or suggestive, and not in keeping with our policies regarding sexual harassment in the workplace

 

To the top of covered shelter protecting the entrance to our domicile

To the top of the vertical structure supporting the inner and outer cladding

 

Now run or travel somewhere in a great hurry, bolt, and/or gallop

 

As foliage void of moisture within a tropical cyclone, having winds exceeding 74 miles per hour

 

When they encountered structures that hindered forward progress, they accelerating upward

 

So up to the structure’s ridgeline the beast maneuvered

 

With the vehicle at capacity with objects of play; and the Bishop inside as well

 

And then like chimes, I heard on the ridgeline

 

The exaggerated movement, and clatter of horny feet

 

As I extracted my head from the framed opening, and was moving in a circular motion

 

Down the vertical channel for combustion gases, came the Saint, with great haste, void of OSHA required protective gear

 

His wardrobe consisted of natural mammal pets with hair still attached, covering his entirety, much to the protest of certain animal rights activist

 

The garments were discolored with combustion residue

 

A sum of replicas were suspended to the rear of his torso

 

And like a merchant of goods, he displayed all of his wares

 

His visual organs – how they reflected the light

His facial indentions exhibited great joy

 

His face just below his eye socket, was reminiscent of blooming thorn-filled plants; his nostril area like ripe, round fruit

 

His pursed lips, they provoked such dry amusement

 

And his unshaven facial hair was similar in color to the crystalized precipitation

 

The extension of a tobacco burning device was clinched within the enamel-coated structures of his jaw

 

And cancer causing carbon particles were visible in a circular shape

 

His facial structure was wider than it was tall

His spherical abdominal region

Vibrated upon guffaw, resembling a food basin at capacity with sweet, semisolid preserve

 

His weight-to-height ratio was disproportionate; while he correctly personified a character portrayed in a seasonal holiday movie classic starring Will Ferrell

 

And there was humor in his antics, despite my presence

 

A non-flirtatious closing one eye, and a rotation of his neck

 

Soon indicated he was friend and not foe and therefore there was no need to seek outside mutual aid

 

He remained silent and demonstrated a commendable work ethic

 

And he filled the long sock receptacles; then made a quick, sudden movement

 

And he placed his index digit beside his nostril trunk

 

And with acknowledgement, he ascended the combustion chamber vent

 

He extradited himself to his transport, then repeated the high-pitched sound

 

And away the individual and his mammals departed through a control ascent in the atmosphere, similar in nature to the seed disbursement mechanism of certain plants

 

But I was able to discern his verbal proclamation as he departed from vision

 

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night… despite the edits.

 

©2018 Diversified Media, LLC dba Gerard Braud Communications

Crisis communications and media training expert Gerard Braud, CSP, Fellow IEC is based in New Orleans. Organizations on five continents have relied on him to write their crisis communications plans and to train their spokespeople. He is the author of “Don’t Talk to the Media Until…”

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